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Fake it ’till you make it? Not anymore! – (Re)Discovering orgasm and the importance of pleasure

Photo by Malvestida for Unsplash

Let’s start from where we left off last week: sexuality and its shades, in every form and aspects. This time, however, to make things spicy as the best chili you ever had, we are going to discuss orgasm and its secrets, without any shame.

In the previous article, and if you have not read it yet, it’s time for you to do it here, we mentioned how pornography is often used as a tool for sexual education and in the worst possible way. The perception that it creates, in fact, and the inaccurate representation of healthy sexuality can have damaging effects: it might endangers the relationship with our bodies and create expectations that are not real, about both sex itself and body.

To keep it simple and to apply it to real life, think about any random scene of a porn movie or video that you watched (don’t lie, I know you have done it at least once in your life!). Can you think about it, about the weird sounds, positions, and faces you saw? Great… Now forget them! From scratch, I mean! Or, if you really do not want to, at least remember that it is fiction, it is a sexual simulation, not stimulation! Everyone has their own reaction to sexual arousal but the reality surrounding orgasm and sex is different from what porn shows, and today we will find out how.

We all heard our friends talking about their sexual life, telling us so many incredible things about that we thought we were probably doing something wrong during our intercourse. We all thought, at least once in these situations “I do not really enjoy it, is there anything wrong with me?”.

Let me tell you a secret: what people tell us, especially when it comes to sex, is not always true. You might be surprised in finding out what we would do to make our sex life looks more brilliant than how it actually is.

To give you an example, a recent study, published in 2019, showed what Meg Ryan wisely told us in “When Harry met Sally” in 1989: 59% of women have faked an orgasm. Definitely, she was not lying about it.

But why is that? Why do we need to fake our pleasure instead of clearly saying “stop kneading the bread and give me a good orgasm”?

The Sexual Health Expert and Midwife Fabiana Ferrandi explained us a bit more about orgasm and how a better understanding of sexuality can help us all to improve sexual pleasure (and, I might add, avoid Meg Ryan being right from now on!).

To get a better idea of the dynamics behind pleasure, Midwife Ferrandi started from the basics, explaining what an orgasm is: “it can be described as a peak of transitory intense pleasure sexually induced” reports. And continues “(it) creates an alteration of the state of conscience with associated contractions of pelvic muscles (…), and a corresponding feeling of satisfaction and gratification”.

When asked about the different types of feminine orgasm, the expert focused on both the emotional and physiological component of sexuality itself. “Women can have different kinds of orgasm: through clitoral direct or indirect stimulation, vaginal or anal penetration, stimulation of erogenous zones such as breast and nipples…”. And continues “in feminine orgasm, the emotional component plays an essential role: together with a good sexual stimulation, it impacts the reach or not of the orgasm itself, also affecting the quality and the intensity of the orgasm”.

In this context, it is essential to always remember that everyone reacts differently to stimuli: what for someone is the reach of the top, can be a mere “meh” for someone else, if not almost inappropriate or annoying. For this, the awareness of our body and needs is essential in the discovery of a satisfying sexual life. In plain words, how do we know we like the cake if we never tried it? We often forget that being able to know what both we and our body want is essential for the understanding of ourselves.

Photo by Malvestida for Unsplash

It is here that masturbation (yes, I really wrote this scary word!) plays an important role: giving ourselves pleasure is proven to be beneficial not only for elements such as stress relief and better sleep but also as a tool to better know our body. However, in general, men masturbate more often than women and the reasons are numerous: the commitment to a stable relationship, the feeling of shame, and moral values are among them.

“Women have been for too long the passive object element in sex” claims Midwife Ferrandi “and we need to remind ourselves that we must be the subject in our own sexuality”. Moreover, to preserve the partner’s ego, women often tend to underestimate “the importance that their pleasure has in the sexual relationship: this leads to faking it to appease the other person”. This element has been observed especially in heterosexual intercourses, with an extremely relevant difference in comparison to lesbian ones.

In conclusion, my friends, wheter with someone (or something), alone or in any ways you prefer, value your pleasure, take into consideration what you like, what you want and what you do not want. Are you scared you might feel guilty about it or dirty? Don’t worry, as you read above, you are not alone in this! But I also assure you that the world will not fall if, for once, you enjoy a good orgasm at your own terms.


Let me know in the comment section what you would like to read about next week: help me raise awareness towards sexuality and its liberation!

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