In the wake of the ever-dreaded Valentines day, there seems to be circulating, thousands of articles targeted at the ‘single ladies’ who are spending their day alone stereo-typically barricading themselves indoors with a 5 KG tub of Ben & Jerry’s. There is however a lack of these said articles for the handsome bachelors of this country. That being said, this article is most definitely not going to assume that boys should (as they typically are accused of doing) go out to Coppers absolutely flootered to try to find a miserable, sobbing girl hiding in the corner while glaring at everyone else in their loved up states. But rather, this article is there to give advice to these young chaps on how to figure out the female species, and how to recognize the things that we wish you knew about us. You never know, for some of you reading this, it might even bag you a girl for next Valentines day! Until then, read on and take note fellas.
Most Ladies Couldn’t Care LESS About How Much Money You Have
For some lads (rich and poor alike) there exists this assumption that ‘most’ girls are only interested in men who possess a rather large…..wallet. The richer and more successful a man is, the more us girls are said to be interested. But lads, just like you’re interested in more aspects of a girl than just her bra size (yeah right) your income, your assets and your job title are the least things that we worry about, at least at this age anyways. In the early stages of infatuation, we’re much more concerned about the number of x’s you leave us at the end of your messages, if you’re funny, if you’re obsessed with yourself more than us and of course, how easy on the eyes you are to us. It’s most certainly not all about the dolla dolla bills you bring home. If you can afford one or two shots of tequila and a curry-cheese chip at the end of the night, you’re winning lads!
When She’s Mad, She Wants You to Give her ATTENTION!
In other words, ‘when she moody, grab her booty’. This may very well seem counter-intuitive, but when she starts screaming at you like a Banshee, a woman usually just wants you to kiss her and tell her all the things that you adore about her. To be honest, it’s probably easier to fight it out, because there’s always a happy ending. But when she’s giving you that soul-destroying, awkward silent treatment there is no easy way out. Believe me, we’ve mastered it.
The Way You Write ‘I Love You’ Matters
Now this one refers more specifically to all of you chaps reading this who are already in a relationship. Well, you may ask yourself ‘what is love?’. And the answer? Obviously, ‘Baby don’t hurt me’ followed by vigorous head-nodding. But A Night at the Roxbury references aside, love is a pretty big deal to most girls and it can manifest itself into your relationship in many ways. For example, if she says ‘I love you’ and you reply with a miserable ‘me too hun’, chances are, that’s not going to be the end of that discussion. Likewise, if she texts you saying ‘I love you’ and you text back ‘luhuv u 2 bbz’, you’re sending her the signals that either English is not in fact your first language or that you don’t really give a shite. While this may seem like a miniature detail to you, it can speak volumes to your lady-friend about how committed you are to the sentiment-or rather, how uncommitted you are. If you really want to show her that you care, use ALL the letters, all the pro-nouns and for the love of Jesus don’t use numbers. Unless of course you’re making a heart at the end of the message with the ‘<‘ and ‘3’ symbols. In that case, go right ahead. How cute!
We Are Self-Conscious and Self-Critical by Nature, You’re Not Going to Change that.
No matter how confident and sure of ourselves we seem on the surface, underneath all of that we are self-conscious and critical of ourselves to the point of no return. Granted, some girls are better at hiding it than others, but we never stop comparing ourselves to others. Constantly bombarded with pictures of Nicki Minaj’s and Kim Kardashion’s derrière and Katy Perry’s breasticles, it’s increasingly hard for us to find the beauty in our own (sometimes smaller) assets. This is where you boys come in. When you’re in an establishment where there is numerous attractive women floating about, say for instance Coppers of a Friday night or the Red Light District (if you happen to be on holidays in Amsterdam), your main squeeze is more than likely thinking in the back of her mind ‘Oh my God, he NEVER looks at me like that’. We’re not saying you’re not allowed appreciate these fine specimens, but just be aware that us ‘regular’ ladies do have these kinds of worries. If you’re lucky enough, you’re lady-friend might even be enough craic to point out how hot those other girls are too (all the while DYING inside though).
We’re Really Bothered By You Not Texting Us Back
Text messages, Facebook Messages, WhatApps, Snapchats..they’re all weird little things. They take up zero space in the physical world-they weigh nothing, you can ingest a significant amount without putting on weight but as meaningless as they seem, sometimes they mean a lot to us ladies. Not all of them of course-‘Well lad ya comin out tonight’ doesn’t have the same power as ‘Susan, you beautiful beast’ or ‘Susan you’re the funniest girl I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting’ (this has been said a significant number of times, mind you). But a non-response to the former is a mere trifle compared to the non-response to the latter. When we choose not to answer people’s messages we are basically sending out the signal that we don’t really care enough to respond or we’re really just not that bothered about you after all. So be a gentleman, a hero, a knight in I-phone armor and text us back. Unless you’re driving of course.
If You Like Us, Just TELL Us!
There is literally nothing worse than wondering if somebody actually likes you or not. Mixed signals from the opposite sex is certainly one thing that would drive anyone to drink. All the games, the reading into every single letter of his text messages, the number of x’s (if any), the looks he gives you, the activity of his last Tinder visit. These are all things that we cannot stomach for an extended period of time. If you’re bothered about us, can you kindly inform us of that please? Don’t be shy boys. In the words of the great George Ezra ‘If you just say the words, I’ll up and run to you’. And similarly if you’re not, you might as well just spit it out so we can descend into our havens under the duvet with our boxes of Kleenex.
Well that’s it boys. If you’re spending this Valentines with your one and only I urge you to take these little gems of advice into account. Likewise, if you’re a single pringle, keep these in mind and next year you’ll have yourself your very own woman joined to your hip. Either way, enjoy!