Top 5 Worst Musical Acts You’ve Probably Never Heard of

*This article is based on opinion, not fact. I am not intending to offend or demean any of the artists mentioned. This is purey for entertainment purposes*

I am a person who is very passionate about music. I have strongly positive feelings towards the music that I love. However, I am equally passionate about the music that I hate. This is the kind of ‘music’ that no living human should ever have to endure. In short -pure evil. Kind of.

People often talk about popular songs that offend eardrums, but today I want to look at some musicians that are sort of established, but nobody seems to be quite aware of their existence. For the purposes of what can only be described as cruel masochism, let’s delve a little into this open sewer of audial hell…

5: Eli Kaldwell

Eli Kaldwell is an independent Irish-Carribean singer-songwriter. Unlike the following four acts, Eli seems like he’s probably a very decent  person. So, I feel bad to say that his music is quite hideous! This is the song Rule This City. My favourite part is 2:54-2:56.

It would appear that Eli believes the best way to express metaphorical social dominance over an entire urban district, is to jump while doing the splits. The song seems to be measuring self-value upon the quantity of humans that like the subject in question.  He’s singing about wishing he could of get hundreds of text messages from people who want to “be my friend”.

Aside from a slightly unhealthy message Eli promotes within in the lyrics, the cartoonish facial expressions and retro-dancing in the video, coupled with seriously annoying vocal double-takes, make me an unhappy camper. The Trinity student’s song was considered so aggravating, it actually made it all the way to the top of the cringe subreddit.

It’s also important to note that this young man has a way with the ladies. When you listen to this song and watch the girl’s body-language, you can’t help but feel… I don’t really know how to end that sentence. Here’s Boss of the Night. Let it be known that he doesn’t “take sh*t from anybody”. Unfortunatley Youtube now have a new option on some channels that automatically has a playlist from the most recent video, so just click the ‘Playlist’ icon on the top left  after pressing play and go to Boss of the Night.

Okay, Eli is clearly not a bad guy and some of the themes of acceptance in his songs are admirable. He’s probably not an audio-sadist, just a little ill informed about singing.

However, It is now time for things to get significantly higher on the scale of cringe.

4: Milionaires

Millionaires - Photo Credit: The Millionaires (Flickr)
Millionaires – Photo Credit: The Millionaires (Flickr)

Millionaires are an American electropop girl band who formed in 2007. The group originally consisted of sisters, Melissa Marie Green and Alison Maria Green (above on the right), along with Dani Artaud (above on the left). We can thank Myspace for giving them a platform in which to invade our souls. Have a quick look at one of their first songs, Stay the Night.

Now, this isn’t a particularly horrid song when one looks at the accepted pop music that year. Yes the singing was clearly not a rich display of operatic beauty, but it’s not as if they were the only girl or boy band who couldn’t sing.

The lyrics are playful and and sort of witty. Overall, it’s not ridiculouly bad. However, as their career continued, more songs naturally began to emerge.  Firstly, the ‘singing’ got a lot worse. The obnoxious and alcoholic themes explored within their lyrics became way more overt, and any chances of intellectual presence ceased to exist on many levels. Perhaps this was down to the fact that Dani left in 2010. Maybe not though.

So why are Millionaires so awful? Some conservative people might find their excessive sexual, alcohol and drug appitites distasteful as ‘female’ characteristics, but that’s not a fair judgement. Most men in pop have the exact same approach and we shouldn’t be endorsing double standards in gender.

There’s obviously nothing ethically wrong with female recording artists expressing a strong desire to have drunken sex with random people, even if they happen to be referring to their gentitalia as “bomb-ass pussy”, but if you’re glorifying what apears to be bullying, exclusion and violence in the name of spoiled materialistic stupidity, and pretty much mocking people with dwarfism in your music video, (WHILE MAKING MY EARS BLEED) you are extremely annoying.

3: Brokencyde

Brokencyde - Photo Credit: Mayara Lucker (Flickr)
Brokencyde – Photo Credit: Mayara Lucker (Flickr)

Brokencyde are apparently one of the founding members of crunkcore. Good for them. Crunkcore is what happens when you mix  arrogant, urban-electropop with a daring hip-hop attitude and for some reason, sceamo music. Needless to say, it’s a very chic and established musical genre.

The band is comprised of David Gallegos, Michael Shea and Anthony Trujillo, who all seem to kind of ‘sing’. There’s clearly another guy in the group, or at least there was, but he doesn’t seem to be mentioned as much. Although on their Facebook page, it says “Sev. Mikl. Phat. J. and Antz“. It’s all a little confusing. I still don’t know who is the guy constantly wearing the pig constume in videos and live tours. Maybe it’s one of the four members?

WHO IS THAT PERSON AND WHY A PIG COSTUME?? - Photo Credit: Danni Millar (Flickr)
WHO IS THAT PERSON AND WHY A PIG COSTUME?? – Photo Credit: Danni Millar (Flickr)

Similar to all the acts in today’s Top 5 list, Brokencyde unfortunately never made it to superstar status. However, the New Mexico players were mentioned in a funny article from The Guardian in 2008.

Brokencyde are in many ways quite like Millionaires.
A: They got popular on Myspace and then someone told them to make ridiculous music videos.
B: None of the members play any actual instruments (although one of the guys in Brokencyde sometimes stands at a DJ mixing desk).
C: All of their songs appear to be about being in a club, having sex, doing cocaine, being sexy, getting drunk, being arrogant and/or having lots of money.
D: I hate them.

2: Speak

Speak (Tamás Deák) - Photo Credit: oliver. cromwell (Flickr)
Speak (Tamás Deák) – Photo Credit: oliver. cromwell (Flickr)

Tamás Deák (left) is a Hungarian rapper, actor and model. His stage name is Speak. Speak seems to approach songwriting in a rather relaxed fashion. His style is not traditional rapping, more just talking vaguely over a simplistic backing-track. There’s nothing inherrently wrong with that of course, but Speak is unique. There are a few songs of his that have been relased, but this one sums it all up fo me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Stop the War (2003). Remember now, this is NOT a joke. It’s meant to be a serious song. In the words of Speak, you absolutely must “check this”.

Okay first of all, “I hope my black brothers feel the same like me. Dre, Snoop…” ?
Sorry Speak, but I highly doubt any famous American rappers have ever considered you one of their genre contemporaries.

"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?" - Photo Credit: Daniele Dalledonne Little02 (Flickr)
“SPEAK Who is he again?” – Photo Credit: Daniele Dalledonne Little02 (Flickr)

The basic message of this song is a good one. War is awful, yes indeed it is. The problem in terms of making a motivational humanist pop-song however, is that he just kind of keeps saying that over and over again without explaining much else!

For example…
Verse 1: “I don’t wanna war. I just wanna peace. Stop the war” “Yee c’mon. Stop the war. That’s right”
Verse 2: “I don’t wanna war” “Nobody wants war” “Don’t make war any more”

Get the idea?

"Dude, we get what you're saying!" - Photo Credit: Maxwell Runko (Flickr)
“Dude, we get what you’re saying!” – Photo Credit: Maxwell Runko (Flickr)

Speak finishes this truly amazing song by naming each of the very talented male singers and stating his feelings once more, (IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN) “we don’t wanna war”.

The most horribly brilliant part of this song though, is the chorus. As if the dramatic singing of Takacs Tamas, Varga Miklos, Bebe and Naszi wasn’t funny enough, we then have Speak explaining everything about the complexity of war in one single word: “business”. The way he says it just reminds me of the Terminator. I could make an ironic joke about Arnold Schwarzenegger here, but I don’t even need to. The last line of the song is “I’ll be back”.

People loved Speak’s “business” line so much, that there were actual t-shirts made!

Photo Credit: gimmickwear (Flickr)
Photo Credit: gimmickwear (Flickr)
1: Vennu Mallesh

Vennu Mallesh - Photo Credit: Fresh Beats
Vennu Mallesh – Photo Credit: Fresh Beats

What can I say about this Indian master of musical tyranny?

Well, he’s a day dreamer, a night worker, a risk taker, a self blamer, a brain eater, a heart stealer, a mind reader, a truth finder, a smart cheater, a pain killer, a back bencher, a routine changer and most of all, he is a very good bad boy.

Don’t believe me? He’ll tell you himself. This is perhaps the best/worst song ever, It’s My Life Whatever I Wanna Do.

If you’re still alive, you might be interested to know that It’s My Life is not the only song Vennu Mallesh has posted online. He wrote a song that wished us all a happy new year, entitled Wish You Enjoy New Year.

Apparently it’s actually quite a deep and multlayered track. Unlike Brokencyde, Vennu claims he discusses philosophical ideas within his songs. This is especially prevalent in Wish You Enjoy New Year. In an interview, he was asked why this follow up song differed so much from It’s My Life. He cleverly replied by quoting his own lyrics, “because I am a routine changer”.

Wish You Enjoy New Year includes a random instrumental piece, right in the middle of a verse, where we see Vennu inexplicably dancing from 1:07-1:45 like the absolute badass he is. Anyone would get goosebumps from this song.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I genuinely adore Vennu Mallesh. The guy is simply too cool not to love. His music is hideous in my opinion, but his confidence, lack of awareness or concern for musical keys or fashion, combined with an all-round sex appeal makes me want to be him.

So there you have it! Thank you for sticking with me to the end of this journey in musical torture. This has been mostly based upon my own opinions, so if you disagree or believe that I missed somebody, let me know in the comments section!

Bye now.


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