We don’t often get it, but when we do, us Irish really take advantage of the sun. With temperatures set to reach 18 degrees in the next two days, get ready to feast your eyes on chung-wans with their high-waisted shorts (higher than most of our futures) that cover only a fraction of their derriere and that nostalgic smell of freshly-cut grass mixed with the soft fragrance of B.O from the auld lads who just ‘can’t handle this heat’. It’s the time for Wexford strawberry huts to spring up around the country – when you can’t go for a drive without stopping and purchasing ten crates of strawberries off a young lad on the side of the road. So without further adieu, here’s a list of things we do when the sun, very kindly decides to visit us for the few days of the year.
We Get WAY Too Over-Excited
That moment when you wake up, turn over in the bed and glance out the window to witness not fog, not rain, not that disgusting mist that would drive a pioneer to drink, but SUN – bright, yellow, glowing sun! You grab your phone, text every single person in your phone book and plan a BBQ/road-trip to the nearest beach (90 miles away), only to realize when you get there that its actually still only April, you’ve caught hypothermia and your nips will never be the same again.
We Complain About The Heat
Irish people are happiest when they’re at their most miserable; when they have something valid to complain about. We complain for nine months about how unbearably cold it is. Something you hear on a daily occurrence from every Irish girl – ‘IT’S FREEZIN’. But at the same time, if temperatures soar over 22 degrees on this Emerald Isle we are just NOT ABLE. To avoid being burnt alive or drained by the sun’s rays, we barricade ourselves indoors, twelve Calipo’s at the ready, waiting for Evelyn Cusack to appear on the television to inform us that the inhabitants of Kilkenny and Wexford are now the most sunburned people in Ireland. That’s the Sunny South-East for you.
We Plaster Sun-Cream On Our Children and Baby Oil on Ourselves
Standard sight on any Irish beach this Summer: Mother and child lying side by side. Mother resembles a southern-fried chicken nugget that’s been left in the oven over-night, while the child next to her looks as though it’s been dipped into a barrel of Sudocrem and flour – a striking similarity to Michael Jackson in his latter days.
Conversations About ‘The Bloody Midgets’ Begin To Emerge
You know summer is impending when you can’t go outside in the evening without being eaten alive by the midgets. You slap them, clap them and flap them away but the more you murder the more come at you and you’re sure to be picking them from your hair and your bed-sheets for weeks to come. Or when you make the soul-destroying mistake of leaving your window open at night and you arrive back to your room to find there’s a colony of flies and moths after moving in with you. You’ll probably be farming them out of your room for a few weeks as well, might as well charge them rent and make a few bob.
There’s ‘Great Drying Out’
Do not, I repeat do NOT get in the way of an Irish woman and her washing when the sun shines. She’s up at the crack of dawn hanging out the items of clothing which will be as dry as bone within the hour. You’ll find her hanging out by the clothes-line, one finger in the air to determine the direction of the wind, the other hand frolicking the t-shirt hanging off the line as it dries by the millisecond. There will be SEVERAL trips back and forth to the washing-machine on summer days for Irish mammy’s, and their conversations with each other will always begin with: ‘Oh there’s grand drying out today though isn’t there?’
We Drink (Nothing New Here Though)
Not that this is any exception, but we find ANY excuse to drink – not only partial to a good funeral – the Irish find themselves colonizing around the nearest beer garden when the slightest ray of sunlight hits their pasty skin. And if you manage to get a funeral and the sun on the same day, sure you’re only laughing.
If you have any more suggestions to add please comment down below so I can regret not thinking of them and begrudge you for your wittiness and intelligence. Cheers.