The Sales Assistant’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Stephen Allen

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The True Source Of Knowledge- Photo Credit- Edinburgh City of Print (Flickr)
The True Source Of Knowledge- Photo Credit- Edinburgh City of Print (Flickr)

Congratulations, you are contractually obligated to decided to work this St. Valentine’s Day. A truly exciting time awaits you but first there are a few things we must go over before you can start your day at work.

There are ten things a good retail assistant needs to know to enjoy this day:

1. Never Forget Our Gift Card/Flower/Chocolate Selling Brethren.

On this day, we fear for their safety and salute them as the true heroes of Valentine’s Day.

2. “Awww, how lovely”.

This is your safe zone, people. You will be confronted with three or more occasions throughout the day to which you will be unable to react like a normal person. This should be your reaction to everything today, no matter how relevant it is to the conversation.

3. Don’t Stare Directly At The Window Display.

Store Front Of... Something - Photo Credit: simpleinsomnia (Flickr)
Store Front Of… Something – Photo Credit: simpleinsomnia (Flickr)

No one knows what it’s supposed to be and humanity may never really know. Yes, I know that’s a lot of hearts and a lot of red. I think it took about five hours to make and everyone involved just feels shame and confusion.

4. Please Try To Be Polite To The Creepy People.

There will be two kinds of creepy people on this glorious day. The first will actually try various pick-up lines on you, to varying degrees of failure.

The second will disguise their pick-up lines by asking what size you are because you are around the same size as their significant other. Politely remind them that it still isn’t acceptable for them to be asking about your underwear size. If all else fails, I’m sure there’s a cattle prod somewhere.

5. Don’t Turn On The Radio.

That radio in the canteen is off for a reason. There are only so many times that one can listen to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ or ‘Close To You’ before the madness sets in.

6. Prepare For Bitter Conversations.

There are those who really dislike the whole concept of Valentine’s Day. These people feel the need to let you know about their contempt at every opportunity. They may also blame you for the store catering for a day that is actually pretty profitable for businesses.

7. Avoid The Break-Up Moment.

The Perfect Breakup - Photo Credit: Satish Krishnamurthy (Flickr)
The Perfect Breakup – Photo Credit: Satish Krishnamurthy (Flickr)

Some people put so much stock into the idea of Valentine’s Day as the ‘perfect romantic day’, that when it goes wrong; it goes wrong.

The sad truth is that you will accidentally wander into a break-up in progress over the course of the day. If you do, let’s hope you did well in the high jump in school because a spectacular leap over some rails may be the only way to escape this horrendous moment.

8. Please Help That Man In The Underwear Department.

This isn’t all men, just the man who can’t muster up the courage to go up to the counter. He’s so paralysed with the fear that you might judge him and his obvious insecurities about his sexuality. Instead, suggest that he should buy some chocolates instead.

9. Do Not Point Out How Quiet It Is.

Don’t you want to keep your job? You don’t need to point out something that makes your manager worry. Who cares if a online Valentines Day shopping is up ten percent? This day will be profitable and that’s what it’s really about.

10. Remember: This Is About Love… I Think.

Ignore what I just said, this holiday is clearly about love. You can end the day knowing that you helped us spread love to the general public in the form of some cheap tat that no one would usually buy.

And now you’re prepared for the day. So go out there and please, try not to kill anyone.

Or at least try to crack a smile. Photo Credit: David Goehring (Flickr)
Or at least try to crack a smile. Photo Credit: David Goehring (Flickr)

Please feel free to leave a comment so we may improve this guide for those who will replace us once we are finally free.

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Stephen Allen