Weddings. An annual or bi-annual occurrence for many people and sometimes a depressing time for those who haven’t found ‘the one’. Here are the the six people you are most likely to meet at a wedding.

Wedding. Photo Credit: buccellaassociati

Wedding. Photo Credit: buccellaassociati (Flickr)

 

The Bride 

Well obviously you can’t have a wedding without a bride so she will definitely be there. It’s her big day, an emotional day, the start of the rest of her life and all that. Congratulate her with false happiness, you know it’s only going downhill from here.

The Free Loader

A tight arse in general and public enemy  number one. Can be heard telling his children ‘If you don’t like it send it over to me; no point in wasting it.’ If snails were served to the free loader he’d still say he enjoyed them. He even licks the plate for good measure. He probably comments after the meal that it was ‘alright..could have done with more gravy/mash/vegetables’. This person also has trouble removing his hand from the pocket where he keeps his wallet; he still has his Communion and Confirmation money in it. 


The Musician

Plucks a guitar from place that -rhymes-with-dole-and-pole. The musician begins well after the dj has packed up and left after the chorus of ‘one more choon’. He or she  can play anything and sing anything. Cue a sing song in the corner with classic songs like ‘Ring of Fire’ and ‘Spancil Hill’ being recited. 


The Dancer

You know who I’m talking about. It’s not Beyoncé anyway that’s for sure. The dancer thinks she is gods given gift andthat she has the grace and elegance of a swan. This ‘elegance’ is short-lived. After the jagerbombs and shots she was doing earlier you see her bend down to take off her heels. This only means one thing; ACDC’s ‘Thunder’ is going to be played soon. Cue chicken fillet flying across the dance floor and some unassuming aul lad picking it up to inspect. The dancer cannot control herself and goes missing towards the end of the night; usually found  passed out in the bathroom or on a couch in the residents bar. Ah bless. 

The one that’s had too many

Often this poor innocent soul has the body weight of a small dog and essentially cannot drink for word-that-rhymes-with-pit. Cue awkward advances on women, the loss of the use of his legs (this is known as Bambi syndrome) and the likely possibility of him spewing his guts before he leaves the building. 

The Oompa Loompa

 Ah bless her isn’t she only gorgeous! No. No she isn’t, she’s a damn nice shade of tangerine if you’re into orange. There’s always one poor girl/woman that has gone overboard on the tan. She looks atrocious. Too much Sally Hansen but at least it’s even sure, there’s no lines and she’s a good all over colour of orange.


Disclaimer: none of the above are based on real people ( ya right) however some people may fall into the same category.