Tinder.…oh Tinder. You initially join ‘for the craic‘; to see what all the fuss is about, but once you pop (no pun intended) you simply just cannot stop. Once you begin swiping left and right, you’re basically failing in your moral actions by literally judging the book by its cover. And if you ever actually attempted to explain the concept of the whole thing to your Ma, she’d be utterly DISGUSTED at the idea. You tell yourself you’ll only swipe ten more times and then you’ll go to bed. However, seven hours later you find yourself talking to Adam, the American musician from New York who’s ‘in town’ for just one weekend, and he’s looking for a nice girl to show him ‘around’. Yeah right Adam.
It’s true, Tinder makes for endless hours of fun. What’s more fun than judging people you don’t (or do) know? But it seems the more time you spend swiping, the more patterns you begin to discover; the same army of boys begin to burn your eyes like when you spray deep heat on a sore muscle. Through my intensive research over the past week, I have carefully categorized these said males into six different types. For the ladies who are reading this, I’m sure you’ll relate. And to the lads…take note of which one you are, and learn from your mistakes.
The ‘Gym’ Dude
The most common of Tinder men; the ‘gym’ dude *projectile vomits*. His profile consists mainly of pictures of his stomach muscles and there seems to be a lack of facial shots; just an uncomfortable amount of biceps. His bio simply reads: ‘gym is life’, or ‘love going to the gym and eating clean’. Well lads, what hope do you leave us ladies with when our hobbies consist of eating 40 Bourbon Creams in one go, and our only form of daily exercise is walking back and forth to the fridge? Please put them away. Do you have a personality behind all of those ‘guns’ or does your life revolve around showing them off like Cormac from Tallafonia: ‘Do you even Bench’?
The ‘Musical’ Dude
He hangs his head with solemn sadness and concentration as he looks down upon his instrument..musical instrument that is! The ‘musical’ dude is the second most popular Tinder victim. The mysteriousness of his first profile picture leaves you wanting more and as you delve into the aesthetics of his five other pictures, you quickly begin to realize that music is literally ‘life’ for this gentleman. He’d never have the time of day for you because he’d be too busy writing songs. And what if you did chat to him, if you did agree to go on a date with him, if you did fall in love and end up being his new ‘muse’. What about when he breaks up with you because he’s made it big, or he writes a song about how much of a psycho you were? What then girls? Steer well clear of this type, they’re only trouble. Isn’t that what Taylor Swift said anyways?
The ‘Medicine’ Dude
Of course he’s tall, of course he has teeth as straight and as white as the American government and OF COURSE he’s absolutely divine. He play’s rugby for Ireland on the side and volunteers in India every summer to help impoverished children (this is also one of his profile photographs). You think to yourself; ‘he’d never swipe yes to a girl like me’. Yeah, you’re probably right girls, he never would. He’s one of those boys that’s so out of your reach, even if you shoved Ryan Tubridy into an elongation machine and sat on his shoulders, you still wouldn’t be able to reach him. But why would you want to associate yourself with someone so much better than you though? He’d probably be no craic anyways.
The ‘Farmer’ Dude
The typical Irish country boy. He lives at home and works on the farm and it’s everything that he’s ever desired in life. Arising at six in the morning is no burden to him and he converses with the hefers as if they were his own best friends. His fist message to you reads ‘well, howiya gettin on at all’? and the more you chat to him, the more you fall in love with his views of the world. Unaware of what a ‘mun’ is, he despises modern men and he claims it’s not a dinner if there’s no spuds on the plate. There should be more boys like this in the world, even if only for the comic relief.
The ‘Familiar Looking’ Dude
You know him, but you don’t really know him. You think he’s cute but your not sure if the feeling would be mutual. What if you swiped ‘like’ and it turns out in some parallel universe so did he and oh my GOD, it’s a match! What then? You know he knows of you, and he knows you know of him so who’s going to make the first move? What would you even say? What if none of you ever make the first move and your just there; stuck in Tinder limbo until you meet each other out one night and the awkwardness is too much, so the next morning your first movement involves your thumb hitting the ‘unmatch’ button. Even worse; what if you do end up talking and going on a date. What if it all ends badly and you encounter him in Tesco a few weeks later when you conveniently just happen to look like Ian Beale in his homeless days? It’s all too much. There is no right or wrong answer in this instance.
The ‘Forward’ Dude
‘Damn girl. Are you sitting on the F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing‘; a notification I received from a chap a few months ago whilst in the middle of class. It may have been the best thing that I’d ever heard in my life, but these boys cannot be trusted. The Steve Stifler’s of real life; they’d shift Susan Boyle if she was the last one at the party. Their pictures consist of group photo’s with the ‘laaaaads’ on holiday in Santa Ponsa, and their bio’s read along the lines of: ‘I won’t tell anyone we met on Tinder’. They’re in search of one thing and one thing only and there’s more chance of you winning the Euro Millions than there is of him taking you home to meet the parents. He’s good for the lol’s though, so don’t be too quick to unmatch him.
These are however only a small number of the many numbers of categorizes of men on Tinder. Others of interest include: The ‘Mun’ Dude, The ‘Unfortunate Looking’ Dude, The ‘Face Right Up In Your Face’ Dude, The ‘Hurling’ Dude, The ‘I Don’t Know Which One You Are In Your Pictures’ Dude and of course, The ‘Hipster’ Dude. Saying all that, we do have to take the others into account. The gentlemen, the boys we actually really like; when that orange flame lights up our screens, our heart flutters and our eyes widen. There are some genuine boyo’s out there so don’t give up hope just yet ladies. You may have to weedle your way through many a ‘forward’ dude, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or in this particular case, what doesn’t make you vomit on yourself.
Which one are you?