Singletons, whether freshly on the market or veterans of the game, will soon be seen swarming supermarkets. Why you might ask? Simple. Single Awareness Day, or as it is more commonly known, Valentine’s Day. *shudder* Valentine’s is that annual day where any new year’s resolutions go out the window and it’s “Hello comfort food”.
This lonely species can be heard shouting at innocent bystanders:
Stop judging me by my groceries; you have no idea the kind of emotions I’m trying to eat away!
Admit it, you’re not here because you’re in a lovey-dovey relationship. The cold hard fact is that you’re single on probably the worst day of the year.
But dear people listen up. You can get through this! You can survive being surrounded by couples telling each other “Aww no baby, I love you more” and “I love the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh”… What a LIAR. He never called me back.
But anyways, you and I are going to get through this day together. Together we will emerge on the 15th February stronger, maybe a little heavier and hungover, but the most important thing is that we will have got through this dreaded day.
Here are a few tips from my many, many single Valentine’s Days.
- Stay inside
For the love of God DO NOT go outside. Why would you allow yourself to come in contact with these insane couples, all holding hands, kissing, and reminding you of that no one loves you? The outside world is going to be full to the brim with roses and enough PDAs to make you want to stab your eyes out. So don’t go to the shops. Don’t even go for a walk. Just stay inside, for your sanity.
Homer Simpson once said “I’m just a big toasty cinnamon bun”, and what sounds better than being all wrapped up in your duvet? It’s mobile and can be enjoyed on the couch or in bed!
364 days of the year we can fight that stereotype of the Irish people, but not today. Today embrace it, because today alcohol is your best friend. As I previously stated, wrap yourself in your mobile hug, pick your favourite spot on the couch and grab whatever alcohol you can find. Casual bottle of wine, vodka, it’s all good! Steer clear of gin though; strong people like us don’t get weepy. Two words – Te Quila!
Good old reliable Bridget. There she is, always cheering you up with the fact that her dating life is worse than yours. Let’s not dwell on her having two men fighting for her affections… Maybe make a mental note to purchase some large Granny knickers. I mean do they possess magical properties we have yet to learn about? But I digress! In true Bridget style purchase one, two maybe even three tubs of Ben and Jerry’s. No, it cannot be any other brand. Only Ben and Jerry’s will cure your suffering, it’s scientifically proven. (Scientific journal name to follow…)
Once Bridget Jones has played out we can always turn to trusty Netflix. Moving onto Notting Hill could lead us into dangerous territory so here’s the plan. With 24 hours in the day, you can definitely get through two or three seasons of ‘The Office’ without noticing V Day has even come and gone. High Five!
- Ooh Friend
I never mentioned spending the day alone! Invite your single friends around and you could play one of the favourite games of Valentine’s Day: Form a circle around an open fire* and each throw in pictures of various exes, all the while singing some kind of satanic chant and hoping they’re having a miserable day without you. I mean, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to them! *probably best do this outside.
Although, for the less crazy amongst us, hot chocolate with marshmallows is a viable alternative while you plan next weekend’s antics.
- It’s so FLUFFY!
If all of the above has failed, now would probably be a great time to invest in a puppy, a kitten or even a bunny. What I’m trying to say is basically anything that is fluffy. We all know that fluffy things just make life better. Think about it, you wouldn’t think your favourite cat video was as cute if there was zero fluff?
Otters are a suitable replacement. Have you seen how cute they are?
So there you have it, a fool proof plan to get you through The Day Which Must Not Be Named. Enjoy your leisurely day, and if anyone judges you for having no Valentine on Valentine’s Day, just remember – some people don’t have a Patrick on St. Patrick’s Day.
15th February is… wait for it *drum roll*… Half price chocolates!!