Finding yourself single for the first time in years can be a scary experience. Believe it or not, it is actually quite difficult to find someone who is reasonably handsome, kind, caring, intelligent and normal. Trying with great difficulty to swim in the new sea I found myself in and with much persuasion from encouraging friends, I decided to delve into the world of online dating. Ironically I decided that I would start with the popular dating site Plenty of Fish.

Computer with Love Dating

Computer with Love – Photo Credit Jamie Buscemi’s (Flickr)

Enthusiastically I set up my profile and had visions of hordes of beautiful male specimens, all swimming in the same sea, just waiting to meet me. Initially I was extremely proactive, setting up dates and really putting time and energy into the prospect of hopefully meeting Mr Right.

On a personal level I became more disillusioned with every date and slowly weaned myself from the dating site. I met some lovely guys and have remained friends with some but never quite found that spark! Online Dating did not work for me but maybe my expectations were too high, or maybe I was just simply unlucky. I’ve always believed that I will meet the man of my dreams in the supermarket anyway!

However, for any men out there trying to attract a nice, sensible lady online, I would suggest that they pay some attention to their profiles when setting up their accounts.

Ok, to start with it’s pretty basic, ill ease you in gently. Shades. Why are you wearing sunglasses in

Dating Man wearing shades

Man wearing sunglasses – Photo Credit Jacob George (Flickr)

your profile picture? I thought shades were used for the purpose of preventing the glare of the sun from directly hitting your eyes, not preventing a potential suiter from seeing what you actually look like. I mean, eyes are the windows to the soul. If I can’t see your eyes, I hit delete.

Fancy dress. At least 50% of you put up photographs of yourselves in rather silly fancy dress outfits. For me it’s irrelevant if you have a weakness for dressing up or whether you particularly like to celebrate Halloween. All I know is that I don’t want to date Batman, Superman or a Ninja Turtle for that matter.

Pictures of your dog. Though I am absolutely certain that you love your dog very much and I’m pleased it shows you have empathetic and caring characteristics. I don’t want to date your dog. I can meet him if and when we get past the first date if he is so important to you.

Dog with Love Hearts

Dog with Love Hearts – Photo Credit Jesus Corrius (Flikr)

Gym bunnies. For me this is a total turn-off. I don’t need to see your abs, biceps or any other body parts for that matter. Are you trying to tell us that you are tough and strong or are you trying to tease us with those big muscles and your ripped physique? Personally I would prefer to see you in a simple top and pair of snickers knowing that you are capable of a bit of DIY in your spare time. Moderate exercise three times a week works well for me.

Dating man in Gym with Muscles

Man with Muscles in Gym – Photo Credit Drey Messmer – Model (Flickr)

So I see from your pictures that you’ve climbed Mount Everest, you’ve skied down the blackest slope ever in the whole world and you’ve zip wired from America to Europe. Oh my god you are like totally “Amazeballs”! There is just one problem. I simply can’t see you. You are wearing sporting paraphernalia that hides who you are. You could be Brad Pitt for all I know but I’m not spending unnecessary time trying to find out.

Cyclists. These people need a paragraph all of their own. I mean… there is nothing endearing or sexy about a man in lycra. You wear silly little colourful outfits, think you own the roads and don’t obey traffic lights.  I can’t see through your helmet and I know absolutely nothing about bikes. Take the picture when you get back home and you’ve had a shower and put your P.J’s on!

Bathroom selfies. I mean come on lads. Surely you have at least one photo that your mammy took at Christmas, or are you just using this photo opportunity to show off your chest? But selfies in general? I thought that was like an insecure girly thing. Bathroom selfies are a definite no no. It screams desperation.

Man taking Bathroom Selfie for Online Dating

Man taking Bathroom Selfie photo credit – Franco Dal Molin (Flickr)

“All my kids are over 18.” I don’t care if your kids are new-borns. It’s not their fault that you find yourself single. Children are a blessing  and any decent human being wouldn’t care how old your kids were. Leave your precious offspring out of the photos too. I don’t think they would appreciate being advertised on a dating website where all sorts of creepy crawlies hang out. Oh, and when you ask me how many kids I have? Em, its actually none of your business right now. I don’t even know you and your trying to find out how many times I gave birth?

The group photo. I am delighted you have a great group of friends but online dating is hard enough without trying to figure out which one you are. It’s even worse when you put up a picture and one of  your mates is much hotter than you!

The George Clooney pic. Is it really him I wonder? The numerous film stars on Plenty of Fish is truly amazing. I would have thought Hollywood might be a better place to pull. Obviously not!

The car pic. I mean are you trying to tell me that you have a full licence? That’s great. You can drive, I can drink. I do not need to see the vehicle you are driving. If it takes a BMW for me to like you, that really doesn’t say  much about your self-confidence. Something that gets from A to B will do just fine.

Far away or blurry pics. I don’t usually bring a pair of ultra-magnification glasses to check my POF matches on my lunch break. Delete, delete, delete. As for the mug shot pic, smile for god sake. Its a dating website, not a prison.

Marathon texting. Pick up the phone if you want a date. I have given you my number for a reason. I do not have the finances to employ a secretary to respond to all your questions. Try to avoid text speak and I do not need a kiss at the end of every sentence. You do not know me yet and you certainly won’t be getting an x back. Hun? I’m not your Hun. I am still a stranger to you and you are a stranger to me. “Kisses” and “Huns” may be accepted at a later stage if it ever comes to that.

Man holding dead Fish

Man holding Fish – Photo Credit Fraser Cairns (Flikr)

I know we exist on Plenty of Fish but I find the many pictures of you holding up your catch of poor dead fish like trophies quite disgusting. You have taken away the life of a beautiful water creature that used to be free and happy. These pictures promote misery, and anyway, I am a vegan so that’s one big delete from me.

Young lads. To all the young lads out there lying about your age in the hope of pulling a MILF. Please be mindful that not every mature lady is shallow enough to sell her body for free or otherwise. Personally I would prefer a little more experience, maturity and longevity. I would also find it rather embarrassing if you were asked to show your ID on a date.

Sex. For those of you who are eager to discuss this subject straight away or for those of you who expect to nail it on a first date. If I wanted to provide sexual favours for strangers I would become a prostitute and at least try and make some money out of the process. I certainly won’t be offering my services for free on a dating website, so its probably better to avoid trying to get into bed before you even share a cup of coffee and a muffin. If you are desperate for titillation, I do believe there is an 1850 number you can access?

To conclude, I would like to hope that I have not offended any single males out there. I am merely offering personal female advice to get you on the road to successful romance. I would love to read a males insight into female online dating profiles, I believe they are not much better. For now, I’m off to the supermarket! Happy fishing!

Love Heart

Love Heart Photo Credit – Irina Patrascu (Flikr)