My iPhone buzzed on the table…again. What was it this time? Facebook? Twitter? Instagram? Oh, it was Tinder telling me I had a new match. Excellent. My incessant stalking skills had finally paid off. I had been liking so many guys pics recently but I was starting to get a bit paro cos I had no matches as of late. Obviously I only clicked like for the guys that had selfies as part of their profilers…like what if he was the ugly mate on the left? Which clearly he would be if he has to use a group profiler. That’s a rookie mistake men, rookie mistake. My own Tinder profilers obviously have me looking great from all angles, casual ‘in bed’ selfie, mirror pic with my hashtag OOTD (outfit of the day for anyone who doesn’t know), me chilling in Ibiza at Ocean Beach with the girlos but definitely making sure I look best out of the lot of them, ha, imagine any of the girls might look better than me in my own Tinder profiler; I’m a catch really-at least my online profile make it look like this.
So anyway, I decide to take a look at my latest match. Tinder tells me he is 24. Underneath his profile picture is like an epic quote from Einstein, or Oscar Wilde or Snoop Dog-one of those icons anyway. It was one of those super meaningful posts about living your life, so cute!. His profile picture is him topless flexing those guns for a cheeky mirror pic. Excellent. I also know that he likes to ‘eat lean and train mean’. Oh you!
So we get chatting on Tinder, like having the bants and whatever. Then come the snapchats, he’s so funny, I’m forever getting snapchats of him at the gym-muscles on show again-or like him on his way out with the lads posing for a mirror pic in his low cut top and skinnies. All the girls were so jealous. Why wouldn’t they be?
So after like three weeks of constantly whatsapping and snapchatting we arrange to go for drinks. It was a long time coming-to be honest it was kind of hard to constantly look cute in my snapchats. I ask him were he thinks we should go-obviously not the local, how embarrassing. We arrange to meet in Alfie’s on Stephen’s Green-who knows who is going to see me there, I’ll have to be looking unreal.
Preparing for my date begins like no other, millions of snapchats to the girls documenting my every move. I update my Facebook so everyone knows that ‘I’m actually dying for tonight like can’t even’. I make sure to upload my Instagram with my MUOTD (make-up of the day) selfie, hashtag out, hashtag love, hashtag makeup. After donning my attire, I pose 17’000 different ways to get the best mirror selfie so I can filter the life out of it and pop it on Facebook with the caption ‘datenight ;)’. I’m being really vague here so that people might comment being like ‘oh who with?’ and I can be all like ‘mail me hun’. Yeah, I got this. I make sure I stalk his Facebook first and I see he’s put up a status too about tonight, I like it just so he knows I saw it.
When I arrive and see him I’m like blown away. He has one of those comb overs-so trendy, and his eyebrows are groomed to within an inch of their lives-so hot! He’s also super tanned from the sunbeds, or maybe it’s from a bottle? Like Sally Hansen or something? Either way I am so blown away by this tanned, groomed guy. He’s defo one of those what do you call them, metrosexuals?
So we order our cocktails and take snaps of them for Instagram, mine have the caption ‘sneeky midweek cocktails’ hashtag date, hashtag out, hashtag Wednesday, hashtag Alfies, hashtag love, which I thought was very good. During the date, like thirty people liked and commented on my photo. Success. The date goes like, grand. My phone went dead halfway through which was a mare because I couldn’t check Facebook, and after a while I got a bit bored of looking at the top of his head while he was glued to his.
Other than that, the date went so well! He even uploaded two of the selfies we took in Alfies so I’m pretty sure I’m in there. I snapchatted him a pic of me lying in bed (makeup still on obviously) being like ‘such a good night’, and he sent me back a picture of him mid push-up with a little winky face. Wow, I’m pretty sure I have found the one!