Dog Pooping

Dog Pooping – Photo: Joshua Ganderson

Public pooping is a nightmare sadly faced by many thousands in Dublin alone on a daily basis. The office worker who returns to her desk asking herself was she gone too long, do her colleagues recognise her 11am daily meeting is actually a 11am pooping? The lads down the boozer, facing the fear of attending a post-9pm pub toilet without wellingtons – the list goes on, so how can we confidently and willingly become an anytime, anyplace defecator ?

It is without further a poo, that I bring you my guide to public pooping  – let’s talk shite!

Step 1. Choosing Your Shrine

Picture of two toilets

Which one will you choose? Photo: Richard Murphy

You may have no choice, but for those who do, it pays to look around. Pooping in many ways is like insurance – we don’t like it, we all have to do it and you have to spend more than a penny – you can also be rewarded with a better deal after extensive searching! Most of us will have a chosen toilet at work for example, a place off the beaten path, unfrequented by the great un-washed and one we deem fit to receive our gift of brown gold. Remember the old adage, “A more comfortable shit awaits the wise man who seeks the reward”.

I cannot recommend this practice, but I have also heard that the Holy Grail of bogs are the disabled toilets. Most will feel too guilty to use them, meaning the majority will be fresher than a mountain stream and the best bit – space! Enough room to swing a bag of crap!

Step 2. Preparation is Key

Toilet seat with pubes and piss on it

Looks clean? WRONG! Look again…pubes and piss. Photo: Richard Murphy

Like painting, pooping is not much different, the toilet bowl is our canvas and therefore good preparation is key to a beautiful finish. Firstly, always, always flush. The risk of splashback from another person’s sewerage is too much to gamble –don’t risk it no matter how crystal that toilet water looks.

Next, double check that there is an ample toilet paper supply. I’ve been caught out once before and it didn’t end well. Never underestimate how much paper will be used to adequately finish the job and if you can seek out at least one back-up roll.

Toilet dispenser

A Bay West 3000 dispenser – top of range, never be caught out again. Photo: Richard Murphy

After this, comes the wipe. Perhaps this is not such a problem for women, but a sheen of piss can be guaranteed on a man’s toilet seat. Apparently some gentlemen lack the forearm strength to raise the toilet seat preferring instead to liberally apply a generous layer of urine to all surfaces within a 1 metre radius. Always vigorously wipe down the toilet seat with a good wad of bog roll.

You might think you’re nearly there, but not quite. There’s one vital stage left before you can relax that sphincter. For those who wish to avoid the traditional FAA-DUNK of a job well done, one can use the addition of a Noise Suppressor. Much like a silencer on a gun, this will ensure that the most covert of craps can take place. A simple structure made of a few layers of paper and placed at the bottom of the bowl is surprisingly effective.

Step 3. Dressing the Throne

Toilet with diagram of various points of interest

Figure. 2 – Proper Toilet Dressing Photo/Graphics: Richard Murphy

Although having wiped the toilet seat, I would never let my pristine bum skin touch a public seat – the thought of festering germs and what could be missed even by a thorough wipe would unnerve me preventing me from truly relaxing into my bum yoga.

To counter this, I highly recommend dressing the toilet seat with an adequate barrier-layer of toilet paper. Although this is not an environmentally friendly use of bog roll, I see my poop as heading off on a long, circle-of-life trip that will probably see it reincarnated as that A4 pad you just wrote on – so I for one can sleep comfortably, and poop!

If following this method – be sure to add cross members for security and always, always add a willy protector (if a man) – nothing worse than that unmistakable shiver that comes from the realisation your little gentleman has brushed against an object frequented by thousands of other men.

Step 5. Toilet Etiquette – During and After

Man on toilet being watched by two people

When pooping, be considerate to your neighbours. Photo: estoryahey

This section will differ between male and female readers. Let’s start with males…

If you’re a man you will have retained some guttural instinct that leaving a mound of faeces behind you denotes the cubicle as your territory, a sign that you were here – much like signing a guest register in a hotel. That is probably why some men will cherish, savour and possibly brag about pooping. It is these same men who will happily toot their contention, trumpet their toilet triumph and fart, grunt and exhale their way through their bowel movements.

These men are however a residue of by-gone times – we are more civilised now and although the noise of a struggler letting out a bottom burp in the next-door cubicle still brings a smile to my face, one should be cognisant of their neighbours peace – it’s in the Bible after all.

Now onto the women who regard pooping as the most repulsive chore they must face on a daily basis – they actually prefer to burst spots on their boyfriend’s faces (no really). No woman will ever admit to another that they have just defecated, and contrary to popular belief, they do not shit roses. Women too should observe the silent shit method described above, however I have heard of a technique that may go to the extreme…

In an attempt to avoid flatulence, some women employ the Moses Method. As most of us know Moses parted the sea to allow safe passage for his followers and I’m sure most of you can use your imagination in applying this method to the current topic.

Lastly for both sexes – timing. If you are mid-wipe and you hear the gurgle of a neighbouring flush, this is a clear signal that your fellow pooper is about to reveal themselves to the world. Stay in your cubicle until your crapping companion has vacated the bathroom. This is to avoid awkward glances and conversations (possibly with bosses or work colleagues) knowing that you are breathing in methane gasses and tiny particles of crap that only moments ago were inside that person’s bottom cavity.

Step 6. The Perfect Grime

Picture of a man in a suit wearing a crown

Follow these careful steps and you too can feel like this man. Photo: citiesjournal

If you have followed the above steps you should have avoided all detection and enjoyed a thoroughly satisfying poop. Now the last phase is re-joining your group without alerting them of the fact you just had your knickers around your ankles squeezing out a turd.

If in a work situation, on your return make sure you announce to your colleagues about what a tough, strenuous meeting you just had – not all of this is a lie, you just didn’t have a meeting.

If in a social situation, come back to your group and say that you just met a total shit at the bar – again, not all of this is a lie, you weren’t at the bar.

Now go forth my fellow poopers, crap to your bottom’s content and comment below if you feel you need to talk some more shit!

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