Johnny B’s Guide To Lovin’

John Berrill

Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

 

love

It may come as a surprise to you, but we here at The Circular aren’t actually specimens of human perfection. We are, in fact, students like yourself, (except me; I’m nearly sure I’m God’s gift to women…if God was to give raw animal magnetism in the shape of a man).

And as fellow students, we want to help you out as much as we can. So what are the most important things you think about?

Grades?

The current economic climate?

Global warming?

World peace?

No… It’s sex, isn’t it? It’s totally sex.

Well fear not, my questionably unattractive friend, for I Johnny B. am here to help!

Right; let me set the scene…

You’re in class and a hot girl is sitting a few seats ahead of you. You start to use your master battleship skills to pinpoint where she’s sitting so you can hit her with your “love torpedo”.

Here are your first to points of advice:

1.Never, I repeat Never tell anyone about your “amazing” battleship skills. They are not real skills; you will never find yourself in a situation where this will be helpful!

  1. Never use the words “love” and “torpedo” in the same sentence. Never attachany word to the word torpedo in an attempt to seem cool, sexy or smart. It’s just plain creepy … people can and will mistake your torpedo wordplay as reference to your man bits.

So this girl seems to have taken your liking and you basically want your mouth on or around hers  asap! How do you get to that end goal?

Do you just run up and gobsmack her in the middle of the lecture? Would she find that romantic?

If you wrote a poem would she instantly strip down to her underwear and declare that your “command of the English language and your convergence of words into raw emotion” has her “aroused”?

… Probably not!

What you should do is just walk right up to the girl and simply lead with acompliment, followed by a question and then end with an invitation.

For example:
“Wow! I’m sorry… It may seem odd for me to say this but that colour you’re wearing makes you look radiant! You in that colour, in this light, it’s quite simply, beautifully photogenic!
Actually, now that I have your attention, would you be able to help me with this?” and refer to something you are working on.

And finally “I’m just going to grab a bite to eat. Do you fancy joining me?”

That’s what you should do …if, of course, you want to become her girl-guy friend.
But if you want to get her attention like a man, here’s what you do:

  • Get a leather jacket
  • Never smile
  • Live by nobody’s rules but your own (and announce this to everyone at appropriate moments throughout the day.)
  • And seem bored by everything life has to say for itself

The Leather Jacket

The reason you should wear a leather jacket is simple; to look badass. Everyone will instantly think you ride a motorbike.  Also, it is a scientific fact that women love motorbikes…
Although a motorbike maybe out of your price limit, that’s ok! Just never let anyone see you get the bus and let their imagination do the rest!

Never smile

If you smile people will know you’re happy. If people know you’re happy it means they can read your emotions. If they can read your emotions; you’re not mysterious enough. And if you’re not mysterious, you’re not sexy and if you’re not sexy, you’re not gonna get the girl!

Live by No one’s rules but your own

Again, this will make you look like a badass. If modern movies have taught us anything it’s that the bad asses always get the hot girls!

Seem bored and disinterested

So the girl is trying to talk to you. She’s telling you about her day. Make it clear that this bores you. You don’t care about ‘how cute’ her shoes are, or what one girl is saying behind another girl’s back. You are a bad ass man who wears a leather jacket and never smiles. Your life (as far as anyone can guess) is wild and interesting.

Follow these tips and you should have any women at the drop of a hat (or pants).

*Please note I am actually not here to help. I’m trying to limit the competition. If you follow these steps, you may be subjected to side effects such as: insomnia, chronic loneliness, carpel tunnel and friction burn of the palm.

If these tips do in fact work for you, well Holy Jesus congratulations!

Have any pick up suggestions yourself ? Let us know in the comment below

/ 8 Articles

John Berrill